The Emperor's New Software

A Modern Fable...

In a not too distant land there lives an emperor who loves control so much that he spends all his kingdom's money on creating new regulations for his subjects. His only interest is in going to the theater or in riding about in his carriage where he can show off his dominion as he secretly creates new obstacles for the people to enjoy the same freedoms. He has a different speech for every hour of the day. Indeed, where it was said of other kings that they were at court, it could only be said of him that he was in his handlers prep room practicing with the teleprompter!

One day two community organizers came to the emperor's city. They said that they were programmers, claiming that they knew how to make the finest website imaginable. Not only were the colors and the pictures of the pages extraordinarily beautiful, but in addition, this website had the amazing property that the  truth was to be invisible to anyone who was incompetent or stupid. And since the emperor thought that most of his subjects were just that, he knew that this website would support the legacy he would leave for all the people of his land; the legacy which would henceforth be known as EmperorCare.

"It would be wonderful to have a program made from that vision," thought the emperor. "Then I would know which of my subjects are unfit for their positions, and I'd also be able to tell clever people from stupid ones." So he immediately gave the two computer programmers a great sum of money to weave their website for him.

They set up their networks and pretended to go to work, although there was no language at all in the computer program. They asked for the finest hardware and the purest gold, all of which they hid away, continuing to work on the empty programming, often late into the night.

"I would really like to know how they are coming with the website!" thought the emperor, but he was a bit uneasy when he recalled that anyone who was unfit for his position or stupid would not be able to see the truth. Of course, he himself had nothing to fear, but still he decided to send someone else to see how the work was progressing. "I'll send my honest old minister of health to the programmers," thought the emperor. She's the best one to see how the site is coming. She is very sensible, and no one is more worthy of her position than she.

So the good old minister went into the hall where the two swindlers sat working at their empty monitors. "Goodness!" thought the old minister, opening her eyes wide. "I cannot see a thing!" But she did not say so. The two community organizers invited her to step closer, asking her if it wasn't a beautiful design and if the colors weren't magnificent. They pointed to the empty screen, and the poor old minister opened her eyes wider and wider. She still could see nothing, for nothing was there. "Gracious" she thought. "Is it possible that I am stupid? I have never thought so. Am I unfit for my position? No one must know this. No, it will never do for me to say that I was unable to see the website."

"You aren't saying anything!" said one of the community organizers.

"Oh, it is magnificent! The very best!" said the old minister, peering through her glasses. "This pattern and these colors! Yes, I'll tell the emperor that I am very satisfied with it!"

"That makes us happy!" said the two swindlers, and they called the colors and the unusual pattern by name. The old minister listened closely so that she would be able say the same things when she reported back to the emperor, and that is exactly what she did.

The programmers now asked for more money, more hardware, and more gold, all of which they hid away. Then they continued to type away as before on the keyboard attached to the empty computer screens.

The emperor sent other officials as well to observe the programmers' progress. They too were startled when they saw nothing, and they too reported back to him how wonderful the website was, advising him to have it made into a single-payer program and that in the spirit of never wasting a good crisis, he could announce in a grand procession. The entire city was alive in praise of the soon to be rolled out website.

"Magnifique! Nysseligt! Excellent!" they said, in all languages.

The emperor bypassed his ministry and signed an executive order awarding the organizers with medals of honor, as they seemed to be cut from his same cloth, bestowing on each of them the title Programmer Czar.

The swindlers stayed up the entire night before the roll out was to take place, burning more than sixteen compact florescent light bulbs. Everyone could see that they were in a great rush to finish the emperor's new website. They pretended to access the various menus from the site. They typed as if they were enrolling. They selected from the choices which were not really there. Finally they announced, "Behold! The website is finished!" "Now all the kingdom will have unfettered access and unlimited entitlements!"

The emperor came to them with his most distinguished cavaliers. The two swindlers pointed to the computer monitor as though something was there and said, "Just look at this homepage! Here is the where you register! Here is where you enroll and make your selection! And this is the secret IRS / NSA information gathering page!" and so forth. "It is as deceptive as your previous Minister of State! You might think that you were exposed, but that is the good thing about the website".

"Yes," said the cavaliers, but they couldn't see a thing, for nothing was there.

"Would his imperial majesty, if it please his grace, kindly upload his new website." said the swindlers. "Then we will make it accessible for your subjects; do it here in front of the large mirror." The emperor uploaded the program, and the organizers pretended to walk him through the various drop down menus, page by page, of the website that wasn't there. They took hold of his waist and pretended to tie something about him. Then the emperor turned and looked into the mirror.

"Goodness, this website suits you well! What a wonderful fit!" they all said. "What a pattern! What colors! Such complete control over the people!"

"The canopy to be carried above your majesty awaits outside," said the grandmaster of ceremonies.

"Yes, I am ready!" said the emperor. "Doesn't the website define my leadership well?" He turned once again toward the mirror, because it had to appear as though he were admiring himself in all his glory.

The chamberlains who were to support and sell the illusion to the emperor's subjects sat at their desks hands just above their keyboards as if they were beginning to register. As they typed they pretended to be amazed by the choices and savings available to them in the website, for they could not let anyone notice that they could see nothing.

The emperor walked beneath the beautiful canopy in the procession, and all the people in the street and in their windows said, "Goodness, the emperor's new website is incomparable! What a beautiful legacy for his people. What a perfect fit!" No one wanted it to be noticed that he could see nothing, for then it would be said that he was unfit for his position or that he was stupid. None of the emperor's regulations had ever before received such praise.

"But the website has higher premiums and greater deductibles!" said a small child.

"Good Lord, let us hear the voice of an innocent child!" said the father, and whispered to another what the child had said.

"A small child said that the website is deceptive!"

Finally everyone was saying, "The website has misled us!"

The emperor shuddered, for he knew that they were right, but he thought, "The procession must go on!" He carried himself even more proudly, and the chamberlains typed away on the website that wasn't there.

“There is not a crime, there is not a dodge, there is not a trick, there is not a swindle, there is not a vice which does not live by secrecy.”
― Joseph Pulitzer